It’s 9pm, and I am sitting here watching tv and a scene from Modern Family comes on where Cam and Mitchell are sitting in the couch on New Year’s eve and Lilly blows on a noise maker and wakes them up from a deep sleep and they realize that it’s only 10pm. Well, I feel like that. You see, my husband and I are from different generations, so our needs are different. Like for example, my husband goes to bed around 9pm and gets up close to 5am, where I go to bed anywhere between 11pm and 1am, and get up after 7am. Sometimes I admit, that going to bed around these times can get us powerful rest, other times it’s really aggrevating. It’s like I’m living with my parents sometimes. I love him, but there have been times lately, more often than not that I wonder what happened. We’ve been married for only 8 years, and this is happening. I want more fun..more excitement!!
Tag Archives: relationships
Dark Place
I am stuck somewhere between I hate everything and I want someone to love me. Is that wrong? The past few weeks have been an overwhelming feeling of what am I going to do.
I used to be the kind of person that would always get things done. Now that I have a husband , and have for a while, I feel like I have lost myself. Things are different now. He is a wonderful man, but I can feel something is different. It’s like his motivation and my motivation is gone and neither one of us wants to do something about it. Well, correction, I want to do something about it, but I fell like there is something different.. besides money…So I ask..What is girl to do?
What
What do I do with him? The past few weeks it’s like I’ve been living with Dr. Jekel and Mr. Hyde. He goes from happy with his existence, to the next thirty seconds he is blowing up at the computer and asking me for help but not taking any advice. So, now I just let him beat his own head against the wall sort of speak.
I want to keep on fighting this, whatever this is. He is different, almost numb. He goes back and forth between manic and depressive. Maybe that’s what he has become, manic depressive. So, what do you do when the person you love most is hard to find, like they’re not there anymore. I hate that feeling. The kind of feeling where it’s like there’s always this overwhelming pressure that makes me feel like he’s going to go off and I am going to be the target. Fine, let me be the one on the other end of the emotional freight train. Soon enough he will realize what he is doing to my heart, to my spirit. We shall see how he deals with me being absent one day…Maybe then, he’ll learn about things..
Confession
Ok, here is my confession. I still have feelings for my ex boyfriend. Here is the thing, he is also my best friend, and we are both married..to other people. I guess I should explain myself. Here I go..
He and I have been friends for over 20 years, and we dated for over 4 years. I admit, I was the one to end things, and because of fear because other things were going on in life. For example, I was diagnosed with ovarian cancerm and I was feeling like I didn’t want to make him suffer through what I was suffering with the treatments. I was so sick, I never thought I would be able to come out of it alive in any sort of way. I am blessed to be walking on this earth today after everything that happened. At the same time that this was happening, my parents were breaking up after 25 years of marriage, and my mother was lying about seeing someone else and making me lie to my father about it.
So back to the future here. Now we are both married to other people, for several years now. We live across the country from each other, so we don’t really see each other but we have been out and about together , so we have time to talk and have some fun together. And yes, we have had the convesation where we have apologized to each other about things.
Here is the issue. he is married, and so am I. We have been married to other people for a few years. His wife is a very jealous woman and has never really let him keep in touch with his friends, and sometimes his family, unless she is there with him. There are even times that she gives his family grief about spending time with them. Unfortunately, that includes me, his best friend of 20 years. Well, about a week ago or so, I got bad news about my cancer. I found out that my condition is advancing and the first thing I thought of was that I needed to make sure that the people I love most were notified so that I could spend more time with them , even if it was on the phone. To me, it wasn’t a big deal to call my best friend, and coinsidently ex boyfiend and give him the news. And again, there was an issue with this. I didn’t have his current number. Fortunately enough, one of our mutual best friends works with him and he had the number. So, he was gracious enough to give it to me. Needless to say I called him, and told him the news. I guess that is when the trouble started.
Our mutual friend prepared him for the news during the day, so I was able to call him that day and give him the news. We talked for a total of five minutes, but to be honest, those five minutes were enough for things to take me back to where we left off relationship wise.. He apologized to me for not keeping in touch as much as he could and said that life had gotten in the way. I accepted it for the valid reason it is. Sad to say, I think that my heart took it further than my brain took it. To my heart, all the feelings that we had for each other came back. It was like we never broke up, and since that day a week and a half ago, I have not stopped thinking about him in the way that things used to be. Call me crazy , but it got me to realize that he is stronger than I though he was emotionally. Through the great vine, I found out that if the chance was there that he would come back to me. I love my husband, at the same time I can’t stop thinking about that. His wife got a hold of his work phone, and found out that he and I had talked. Come to find out, he had not told him that he had called me. Not quite sure why, but his business is his business. He has been on vacation since the last time we talked, so we have not talked since. Our friend told me that the reason he never called me back after I told him about my health because he didn’t know how to react to the news or what to say to me. It’s ok, he has always been the shy quiet type. However, I wonder what has happened since then..To be honest, I would be here if he ever wanted to take me back..Is that wrong?
Life Is Beautiful!!!!!!
The Triangle
“No one has ever gotten a hold of me like this” he says. “It bothers me that I am not the one that gets to be with her” he says.”We have never gotten a fair chance” he says, It’s four in the morning and he can’t stand it anymore. He is awakened out of nowhere thinking about her. About how her husband gets to have her and he doesn’t.
Andy waited to hear word about how Dolores was doing, She had been taken to the hospital about three days ago with a mild heart attack. This was a first for her, Craig and Andy. Dolores had always been a healthy girl, but something seemed to have gotten to her, something that was hard for her to control. It was as though she was slipping away from herself and those she loves. Was it her conscience, or is there another purpose for her in this world? As many wondered what was going on around her hospital bed, Andy agonized over the situation with every breath he took. Would he take the two hour drive over to see her, or would he wait patiently for progress?
Andy knows that if he shows up to that hospital room that all hell might break lose. He loves her more than he can say. Some may say that he loves her more than he may be allowed. Craig knows that Andy wants to be with Dolores. That is why he keeps such a tight hold on her, He also knows that he can lose her to Andy just as easy as he got her. It would take nearly nothing for Andy to take Dolores away from Craig. He loves her more than words could say. He has loved her all his life. And the body on him, who wouldn’t jump at the chance,
Lately Craig had been distant. Between work and dealing with all the paper work from Dolores being sick, he has hardly had any time to even feel what is going on between them. His wife is slipping away from him in a way he may not be able to control. It seems as though the arguments between them come as easy as breath. As much as he loves her, consequences are getting to be more than he can handle. He watched her in the beginning stages of her heart attack. It was one of those nights where they were just laying around actually together watching tv. It all came gradual and very fast all at once. Her arm started to ache a dull ache. Then her chest was tight. He knew what was happening. As he watched her condition deteriorate, he knew that if he didn’t do something that he was going to lose her. He knew he not only would have to answer to her family, but to Andy and that was an experience he did not want to have.
She takes their breath away. Her shape is built for sin. Her breast and supple behind take a simple man and turns him into a heathen. She could signal them both Andy and Craig over to her side and they would give up just about anything to be next to her. Her long black hair, and olive skin is only surpassed by her eyes. Those eyes are something else. They change color with the experiences she has. At first they are coffee brown, but then she falls in love and they turn purple. Or she sees something that she would like to have of her own and they change to blue… Those eyes have been hypnotizing Craig and Andy for over 15 years. And now… in the blink of an eye, they could losher…
The Difference
The clock goes off. The lights come on. It’s 4am and we are both up, but I know that our motivations are totally different. His is to go to work, and bring in money. Mine is to be here and pray to God that he makes it safe throughout the day. We have no car you know, not since two days ago. That’s gonna put a damper on things. Sure, there is a bus,two miles down the road, but there is a bus that will get him to and from work. That’s got me thinking “what are we doing with our lives”? I mean, I am glad that he has a job, but the job is to cover extras, our bills are paid. I know, I know,how many people besides teenagers can say that, right? I should be grateful, but I am concerned for his safety. He is going out there to a job that earns him extra money to work for a transportation company when we have no transportation of our own. I don’t know, maybe I am reading way too much into it.
Maybe I will work on my jewelry, maybe on my website. I need something to keep me busy so that I can finally stop thinking about what I am really thinking about,. the sex was different. It felt like we were going through the motions, but that something was missing. He got his, but where was mine? It was close, I could feel it, but it was like it was just shy of things. I felt as though something was missing, sexually, emotionally.. I could tell that it was missing something for him too.. I could tell by the way that he went at it. It was missing.. no force that kept it going behind it. I mean, at least for me no sexual force behind it, like I was just following his instincts and what I got out of it was gone… And what was so irritating about it was that I told him how I felt, and I got the “It wasn’t different for me” bit.. Maybe that is what happens when you barely see each other anymore..It either brings things closer,, or it slowly tears them apart..
High Gravity 