Tag Archives: love

Between A Rock And A Crazy Place

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So we’re in between two cities right now. Sitting in Orlando thinking about Baltimore, and then we’re sitting in Baltimore thinking about Orlando. It’s almost like having two lovers and wanting to keep everyone happy. You’re stuck in the middle and everyone is pulling you their own way. I keep asking my husband what he wants to do about any of the situation, but he keeps going back and forth on the issue and trying to make him make a decision is like milking a dead cow ( believe me the saying makes more sense in Spanish but whatever).

 

On the other hand, there is a freaking budget to think about. I have learned, sometimes the hard way that moving back and forth across the country can’t just be done with an aching heart or a hard budget. I feel like the damn government. I want my mystic nights and my friends close when I need them. At the same time I want to be able to make it without sweating every month because things are so expensive and the pay sometimes is not as plentiful as I want it to be.

 

Oh how I wish I didn’t feel like I was cheating on someone just because I feel like my needs are not being met by one specific city. It’s a freaking city, not a human being!!  I keep telling myself to give it time for things to work, but I’m not fine. I need to feel as though I can feel comfortable in my own skin! But, where is that gonna happen? Is that ever gonna happen? Is there anywhere I am supposed to belong, or do i even belong anywhere? Is it silly that every time that I turn the tv on and hear about a Pumpkin Latte that I see that Indigo sky the way that I grew up seeing it? I know that things change as you grow up, but can’t things just give me a sign?Throw me a freaking bone? Or, is life really gonna give it to me hard and drag me through the dark hollowed hallways of an old house full of memories?

Go The F**k To Sleep

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It’s 9pm, and I am sitting here watching tv and a scene from Modern Family comes on where Cam and Mitchell are sitting in the couch on New Year’s eve and Lilly blows on a noise maker and wakes them up from a deep sleep and they realize that it’s only 10pm. Well, I feel like that. You see, my husband and I are from different generations, so our needs are different. Like for example, my husband goes to bed around 9pm and gets up close to 5am, where I go to bed anywhere between 11pm and 1am, and get up after 7am. Sometimes I admit, that going to bed around these times can get us powerful rest, other times it’s really aggrevating. It’s like I’m living with my parents sometimes.  I love him, but there have been times lately, more often than not that I wonder what happened. We’ve been married for only 8 years, and this is happening. I want more fun..more excitement!!

New Rules

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The rules are different now. He’s no longer my best friend, he’s gone to being a acquaintance. His birthday was two days ago, and even though I sent him a text for his birthday, I didn’t call until today. Only to find him distant and in a hurry to get off the phone to order lunch. Almost like he didn’t want to get caught taking to me. Like his jealous wife.He’s now someone else’s man, almost no longer my friend.. He’s married now.. And even though I was the one to let him go, it still hurts to see him this way. A twenty year friendship now seems dry and distant. It’s strange though, I still get chills when I talk to him. If he’s my ex, why is this happening?

Confession

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Ok, here is my confession. I still have feelings for my ex boyfriend. Here is the thing, he is also my best friend, and we are both married..to other people. I guess I should explain myself. Here I go..

He and I have been friends for over 20 years, and we dated for over 4 years. I admit, I was the one to end things, and because of fear because other things were going on in life. For example, I was diagnosed with ovarian cancerm and I was feeling like I didn’t want to make him suffer through what I was suffering with the treatments. I was so sick, I never thought I would be able to come out of it alive in any sort of way. I am blessed to be walking on this earth today after everything that happened. At the same time that this was happening, my parents were breaking up after 25 years of marriage, and my mother was lying about seeing someone else and making me lie to my father about it.

So back to the future here. Now we are both married to other people, for several years now. We live across the country from each other, so we don’t really see each other but we have been out and about together , so we have time to talk and have some fun together. And yes, we have had the convesation where we have apologized to each other about things.

Here is the issue. he is married, and so am I. We have been married to other people for a few years. His wife is a very jealous woman and has never really let him keep in touch with his friends, and sometimes his family, unless she is there with him. There are even times that she gives his family grief about spending time with them. Unfortunately, that includes me, his best friend of 20 years. Well, about a week ago or so, I got bad news about my cancer. I found out that my condition is advancing and the first thing I thought of was that I needed to make sure that the people I love most were notified so that I could spend more time with them , even if it was on the phone. To me, it wasn’t a big deal to call my best friend, and coinsidently ex boyfiend and give him the news. And again, there was an issue with this. I didn’t have his current number. Fortunately enough, one of our mutual best friends works with him and he had the number. So, he was gracious enough to give it to me. Needless to say I called him, and told him the news. I guess that is when the trouble started.

Our mutual friend prepared him for the news during the day, so I was able to call him that day and give him the news. We talked for a total of five minutes, but to be honest, those five minutes were enough for things to take me back to where we left off relationship wise.. He apologized to me for not keeping in touch as much as he could and said that life had gotten in the way. I accepted it for the valid reason it is. Sad to say, I think that my heart took it further than my brain took it. To my heart, all the feelings that we had for each other came back. It was like we never broke up, and since that day a week and a half ago, I have not stopped thinking about him in the way that things used to be. Call me crazy , but it got me to realize that he is stronger than I though he was emotionally. Through the great vine, I found out that if the chance was there that he would come back to me. I love my husband, at the same time I can’t stop thinking about that. His wife got a hold of his work phone, and found out that he and I had talked. Come to find out, he had not told him that he had called me. Not quite sure why, but his business is his business. He has been on vacation since the last time we talked, so we have not talked since. Our friend told me that the reason he never called me back after I told him about my health because he didn’t know how to react to the news or what to say to me. It’s ok, he has always been the shy quiet type. However, I wonder what has happened since then..To be honest, I would be here if he ever wanted to take me back..Is that wrong?

 

 

Life Is Beautiful!!!!!!