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Tag Archives: life
Mortality
It would be so simple. A dagger to the heart. Poison to my lips. Often I wonder what it would be like to be on the other side. To watch over those that are not around as much as I would like. Would it make any difference at all to not be here or to see others while they can’t or won’t see me?
Immortality often seems curious, almost romantic. What would I do if I were to live forever, not get tired, go where I please. It’s like distance.. You don’t know if they’re missing you or losing interest in you….Like being in a room in silence so deep that your ears ring from the feedback.. Like under water pressure that just moves you without any control of your own..then you float and float wondering if there’s anything out there that makes it worth staying..
The Difference
The clock goes off. The lights come on. It’s 4am and we are both up, but I know that our motivations are totally different. His is to go to work, and bring in money. Mine is to be here and pray to God that he makes it safe throughout the day. We have no car you know, not since two days ago. That’s gonna put a damper on things. Sure, there is a bus,two miles down the road, but there is a bus that will get him to and from work. That’s got me thinking “what are we doing with our lives”? I mean, I am glad that he has a job, but the job is to cover extras, our bills are paid. I know, I know,how many people besides teenagers can say that, right? I should be grateful, but I am concerned for his safety. He is going out there to a job that earns him extra money to work for a transportation company when we have no transportation of our own. I don’t know, maybe I am reading way too much into it.
Maybe I will work on my jewelry, maybe on my website. I need something to keep me busy so that I can finally stop thinking about what I am really thinking about,. the sex was different. It felt like we were going through the motions, but that something was missing. He got his, but where was mine? It was close, I could feel it, but it was like it was just shy of things. I felt as though something was missing, sexually, emotionally.. I could tell that it was missing something for him too.. I could tell by the way that he went at it. It was missing.. no force that kept it going behind it. I mean, at least for me no sexual force behind it, like I was just following his instincts and what I got out of it was gone… And what was so irritating about it was that I told him how I felt, and I got the “It wasn’t different for me” bit.. Maybe that is what happens when you barely see each other anymore..It either brings things closer,, or it slowly tears them apart..
Options
We all have options. The option to get up in the morning or to push the snooze button, to go to work, to stay faithful,to draw breath. My best friend since high school is going through a really hard time because of the nature of his options. You see, he is in love. He is also the type of guy in “high demand”. He is sweet, handsome, hard working, balanced, and has a lot to offer in many ways. The problem, or issue depending on how you look at it is that he is in love with someone who is not available, literally…. She is married. Some may automatically gasp at the thought, but I think it’s sweet from the stand point that he won’t let anything , even the fact that someone is unavailable on the account of marriage not teach him the meaning of love. Don’t get me wrong, I am not promoting infidelity, I just think his way of going about it is sweet, He’s her lobster….
I guess I have some explaining to do, at least about the whole lobster thing. Once a lobster finds a mate, they are together for the remainder of their days, so I’ve been told. Many species in the animal kingdom follow this practice, and so do some humans. Well, this is what I have seen my friend do, he has found his lobster. To better understand this, we will give these lobsters names. Let’s call him Andy and her Angel. Those two have been at each other’s radar for over 17 years. They’re there for each other, they flirt with each other, and then they somehow end up with other people. Well, all of this took a different turn when about 9 years ago, Angel showed up to Andy’s hospital bedside with another man. This was a man that Angel had mentioned to Andy several times over the phone, but had never presented in front of him until his heart was in trouble and he ended up in the hospital. It made things complicated. At the time that this happened, Angel and her now husband Craig were just testing the waters to see if things would work as they had only known each other for a few weeks at the time. Andy knew that this was not just a guy for Angel because he could see it in Craig’s eyes that he loved her. Maybe he hadn’t told her, but he knew he loved her. There only problem that day was that Craig could see it in Andy’s eyes that he loved her too. For this reason, each of them paid extra attention to her in any way they could. Their stares towards her were a little longer, their hugs were a little tighter and they would each in their own way sit a little closer when they had the chance. The three of them til this day act as if their lives came from a scene from Twilight.
Angel loves them both. Each with a passion that only belongs to them separately and their individual circumstances. She loves Craig because even though as silly as he may act sometimes, he would never give up what they have. On the other hand Angel loves Andy because he has always been there, and the sheer principle that there is nothing that he wouldn’t do for her… even if it meant that his whole world would change. So, if your options were open, what would you do?
The Good Life
My cousin is a doctor. Right now she is doing her residency and so she works close to 16 hours a day. We are all very proud of her. I know that it takes dedication and real desire to be able to get this done. I find that since her schedule is so busy and she lives so far away, that our time with her is really precious. She used to be with this really nice guy, but I think , from what I remember her commitments and schedule broke them up. It was a real shame because they are or were I’m not sure a really cute, devoted, and sweet couple. They used to be inseparable.
I am now starting to understand what her boyfriend went through while trying to have a relationship with her. As I have mentioned before , I recently became the wife of a cab driver. Don’t get me wrong, we have been married for over 7 years, so us getting together is not new, but the job is new. This also means that the schedule is new. Anyway, we are trying to make it. However , I am starting to notice some changes between us. I know that to some of you who read this , it may seem like I am complaining all the time. Let me be clear, this is not complaining, these are mere observations. Complains are the type of thing you just talk about without really wanting to do anything about changing your situation. Observations are totally objective and when you see something about the situation that you don’t like then the observer may choose to change what is happening by doing something about it. These are observations, so far. However, I am starting to see some changes that may need to be made.
Let’s step back into a few days ago if you will. When the training started, we were both all for it.. The first thing I noticed was that his schedule seems to be very close to that of a doctor’s schedule. While this schedule does not include the debt of the medical degree, or the inside information into the health care system, it does seem to include the isolation of it. The other day, I noticed that when my husband stopped by to see a friend before he came home. I usually don’t mind that, but I hadn’t seen him in over 12 hours, so naturally, I wanted to be the first one that got to see him outside of work. Another thing that happened was that when he finally got home, all he did was take a shower, eat dinner, and 20 minutes later crawl into bed and pass out until the alarm clock went off at 5am claiming that he was just going to take a nap. No conversation to speak off except to defend his schedule, and to tell me about how his hours would change in a few days into 2 hours earlier from the present schedule. I guess I am noticing that I have to take a number now when it comes to my husband. I don’t mind, I am used to having to take a number when it comes to romance, but it’s new when it comes to having to take a number with my husband. I am used to being his number one. Is it wrong on me to want the perks of a doctor’s schedule even through we may not have the salary? Or am I entitled to be the first appointment on my husband’s schedule?
Going to Baltimore
So my husband and I have been going back and forth with the idea of moving back to Baltimore. Don’t get me wrong, where we currently are we have the best arrangement I think we have ever had. We are sharing a house with an investor who for all practical purposes has saved our asses. We split the cost of the house at an amazing prize and get to relish on all the perks that come with set house. On the other hand, he has diabetes and lately it has been a roller coaster. In other words we are on a first name basis with most of the EMT’s and the fire chief of our local emergency services. Not to put his business out there, but the past six weeks have made me very nervous. The house is paid for an insured, but at the same time, his diabetes has been dipping in exponential proportions leaving me to worry about whether this is a dependable place to live.
The other side of the coin is the whole moving to Baltimore thing. We both love it there. We have most of our close friends there , people we can depend on and we are close with on both sides of the spectrum. People that we have known, loved, and gotten along with since childhood. On the other hand, it would mean starting all over again not really knowing where the next of anything will come from. There is a certain excitement about not knowing what is going to happen next. After all, life really IS what happens while you are making other plans. Especially since lately it seems like we have had to have one foot in the house and the other in the moving truck. So I wonder, is a change this big really necessary or is it just a leap of faith..?
High Gravity 