This Time A Year !!!
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Between A Rock And A Crazy Place
So we’re in between two cities right now. Sitting in Orlando thinking about Baltimore, and then we’re sitting in Baltimore thinking about Orlando. It’s almost like having two lovers and wanting to keep everyone happy. You’re stuck in the middle and everyone is pulling you their own way. I keep asking my husband what he wants to do about any of the situation, but he keeps going back and forth on the issue and trying to make him make a decision is like milking a dead cow ( believe me the saying makes more sense in Spanish but whatever).
On the other hand, there is a freaking budget to think about. I have learned, sometimes the hard way that moving back and forth across the country can’t just be done with an aching heart or a hard budget. I feel like the damn government. I want my mystic nights and my friends close when I need them. At the same time I want to be able to make it without sweating every month because things are so expensive and the pay sometimes is not as plentiful as I want it to be.
Oh how I wish I didn’t feel like I was cheating on someone just because I feel like my needs are not being met by one specific city. It’s a freaking city, not a human being!! I keep telling myself to give it time for things to work, but I’m not fine. I need to feel as though I can feel comfortable in my own skin! But, where is that gonna happen? Is that ever gonna happen? Is there anywhere I am supposed to belong, or do i even belong anywhere? Is it silly that every time that I turn the tv on and hear about a Pumpkin Latte that I see that Indigo sky the way that I grew up seeing it? I know that things change as you grow up, but can’t things just give me a sign?Throw me a freaking bone? Or, is life really gonna give it to me hard and drag me through the dark hollowed hallways of an old house full of memories?
Every Moment Counts
Every morning at 5am, I send my husband off to work. Much like every other wife I don’t know what is going to happen from day to day. Will he be safe? Will the day be productive? All in all these are things that I obsess over as some might say. The truth is that I am very focused when it comes to time and what it does to every day life. Is there enough time to do what we want to, have to, or even to live in the moments in between those times? Only time will tell…
Last night was one of those occasions. He comes in, doesn’t even kiss me hello, and goes directly into bed and accuses me for “having put a guilt trip on him into kissing me” while he is briefly awake. So then, I stay up half the night, because believe me at this time it’s all I can sleep, thinking about how our lives have changed over the past eight years. I love my husband and I would never be as foolish as to think that our marriage was changing on the account of one kiss. But your mind tends to wonder when you spend a lot of time alone with your thoughts while everyone that you know is out there having a life while you are sitting at home and your partner only spends about an hour with you per day. From what we have all come to accept, society has lead us to think that a kiss can make or break a relationship, and yes ladies and gentlemen, I was in that place last night. Lately, we have spent so little time together on account of his schedule that I really am starting to get the impression that our marriage is changing. That based on something as simple and yet as complex as time that our lifetime commitment was and or is fading. For hours, I went around steamed thinking that our relationship had changed because my husband had not pressed his lips yup against mine for any amount of time. I talked to friends as the night went on about what this may mean. Was he still in love with me? Had his mind changed? Come to find out, he had a cold that he had contracted from a child that was riding in the back seat and coughing as they traveled. Here is my question though.. Would it had killed him to tell me that? Is communicating really that painful?
Going to Baltimore
So my husband and I have been going back and forth with the idea of moving back to Baltimore. Don’t get me wrong, where we currently are we have the best arrangement I think we have ever had. We are sharing a house with an investor who for all practical purposes has saved our asses. We split the cost of the house at an amazing prize and get to relish on all the perks that come with set house. On the other hand, he has diabetes and lately it has been a roller coaster. In other words we are on a first name basis with most of the EMT’s and the fire chief of our local emergency services. Not to put his business out there, but the past six weeks have made me very nervous. The house is paid for an insured, but at the same time, his diabetes has been dipping in exponential proportions leaving me to worry about whether this is a dependable place to live.
The other side of the coin is the whole moving to Baltimore thing. We both love it there. We have most of our close friends there , people we can depend on and we are close with on both sides of the spectrum. People that we have known, loved, and gotten along with since childhood. On the other hand, it would mean starting all over again not really knowing where the next of anything will come from. There is a certain excitement about not knowing what is going to happen next. After all, life really IS what happens while you are making other plans. Especially since lately it seems like we have had to have one foot in the house and the other in the moving truck. So I wonder, is a change this big really necessary or is it just a leap of faith..?
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