Author Archives: Indigo

Madness

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Madness.. Why do you torture me? I feel you all over my skin. In my soul. Who do you think you are telling me what to do and who to be? Like a jigsaw puzzle I fall apart and put myself back together to survive. Even when I am completely surrounded, my demons follow me, drive me to live and breathe the way I do.

I long to be.. I long to be so much in so little times. Sometimes I wonder if there is time for it all. But I know I will be..A friend of mine wants me to be..with him despite my convictions and commitments..an affair. These are elements that he presents to me on a daily basis with such vivid matter that there are times I am not sure how to respond… It’s almost like he is working through a delusional realm that binds us in insanity. It rattles me emotionally, physically, mentally. Nothing compares to an imagination of this caliber.

It’s insane I know. Like wanting to posses something that you can just tell that you will never be able to have. Your skin throbs, burns. Your mind wonders day and night about what is out there, what else can you do with yourself to not slowly go insane from longing.. I can tell this is a rage. A rage that makes me forget of my own heart, of days gone by.. Like a green chilli, hot but dreafully full of taste.

The both of them love me, but it seems like I want more. Why do I want more?..

The Motions

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He comes up to me, and even though he doesn’t kiss me yet because of his cold, and whispers in my ear that he knows that life is hard right now, but that he loves me. This after telling me that as “part of his job” he helps some “little old ladies” to go shopping. If it sounds petty, it probably is, but that made me blow up. The thought that he gets to “go shopping” from time to time while I am sitting here for over 12 hours by myself!!! Oh that is rich! Fine, whatever! But then we start discussing things and he goes back to the whole nonchalant attitude of my feelings are what they are. Fine, they are what they are but they still fucking matter!!! One day a week? Bullshit!! He says that he can take days off for birthdays , anniversaries, and special occasions, but that it takes away his full profit days. Fine, don’t take the days off and keep it to one day a week… let’s see how that affects things.

One thing has come up, and lead to things being the way they are. Amazingly enough, I have become used to him not being home except for once a week. As a result of this, it seems to affect me when he is here for more than one day. Can you believe that? Who feels that way about their husband or wife? I know who.. Someone who does not see their partner for extended periods of time. I even told him so. I told him that I feel like we are dating right now and that he comes over to spend the night every night. This is a defense mechanism, to protect myself from getting too attached to him and getting hurt . Wanna hear something funny? He didn’t even flinch. No reaction from him but just “okay that’s a way to look at it”. I am just going to go on as if nothing is wrong… Who knows, maybe nothing is wrong. Maybe it’s just me being over emotional…Or am I? How long can things go on like this?

Jealousy

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Jealousy is typically defined as an emotion that is formed from negative thoughts and feelings of fear, insecurity and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that a person values, particularly in reference to a human connection… My goodness that is exhausting sometimes, isn’t it?

Dolores had sex with her husband yesterday, and it was good. Jacob wasn’t too happy to find this out through the grapevine. He has always thought of Dolores as his, and only his,… Only God know what he went through yesterday as the day progressed. All Dolores knows is that her phone did not stop ringing or receiving text messages all day from him… He was pretty bent out of shape. His feelings of betrayal from Dolores’ husband Craig were felt across the counties that separated them. So much so that Dolores did not get an I love you from him by the end of the night,. She just got one of those I will talk to you later type of messages. … She wonders what she did that was so wrong? They both love her, but there was no excuse for Jake’s behavior although she likes the attention…But how far did he really have to go to get her attention

Spoiled

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Ok, so how do I explain this..Here it is, My husband has spoiled me. Over the past 8 years or so, I have gotten used to being around him, and having him around me whenever we needed each other within the hour. Does that make me wrong? He and I used to have each other’s back. Not that we don’t anymore, but seems like almost not anymore. So now, I find myself having to cook for one, cleaning everything on my own, and doing dishes..sooo many dishes.At the same time I find that the things that I used to do have come back to visit me yet again. That also includes romantic interests. Before you jump to conclusions, I would never cheat on my husband. Lord knows I have had many chances, but I have never actually acted upon them. But, with the lack of attention that I have gotten from my husband, it is nice to get attention from someone else. I will not do anything about it, but it has made certain transitions pass by much easier than usual. I have to admit, with the new found isolation, it is hard not to follow my immediate desires. Let me give you an example, one of them is a basketball player, a good one. Imagine if you will, 6ft 4in tall, naturally tan skin,dark hair, leaf green eyes… and he has loved me for almost 20 years. However, honor before dishonor.. Marinate on that…

I have found one way to pass the time. I have started to work on a romance novel. If you look through some of my older blog posts, I have already included excerpts . I think I will keep working on it. I can see that it will lead me to better behavior…maybe…