What do you do when cancer invades the one you love? What do you do when it invades your lives, and your home?Tell me, what would you do? You know, when he looks at you and all you see is pain? When all you have are questions, but you can’t ask him because he’s too tired and overwhelmed to do anything because it either turns into an argument or doesn’t get done? When you go to the doctor and all they have is about three minutes to spit their plans out at you but you can’t really ask all the questions you have because it’s either overwhelming to the patient, they don’t have time or you need to hurry up and catch your bus so you can get home because it’s the only ride you have? How do you take care of them and not fall apart in the process?

When your best friend is sitting next to you and instead of feeling like you’re married, you feel like roommates, and as much as you love each other it hurts him when you touch him because the treatment seems to be too strong, or the pain medications don’t work enough to relieve his pain long enough to have a simple conversation even if it consists of just a bunch of of yes’s and no’s?

Every single day is different. I guess I should thank God or whatever deities are out there for that. That every day isn’t the same hell, you get some variety…. Aces!. One day you’re joking around, and you laugh so hard that your ribs hurt. The next day you’re both in the same room and you’re a thousand miles away without walking a single step away from each other. And no matter what you say or do, they still look at you with that loving, yet painfully blank stare in their pretty face.

The cancer center, as nice as they could ever be. They still make you wait in their blue room while only God know what is being done to your husband. The person you’re so used to having wrapped around you while you watch a movie, kiss every time you have to go different ways, the one who gets to flash a pretty wedding ring to proudly express your love towards each other is no longer wearing your ring while being taken away by some pretty, thin, little blonde doctor who stares at you with an icy stare , then says that you have to “wait here until we’re done” while putting their arm around him as they walk away from you without a care in the world while you notice that your husband is withering away. So you wait, in that little blue or green or whatever color room they send you to to stare at the walls while your mind races a million miles away in more directions that you ever imagined existed… because we all love involuntary solitary confinement.

So, I ask you, how do you handle walking around with a constant lump in your throat and a knife in your heart that you have to keep to yourself because it’s not the right time or place to deal with it? Well, you tell me, does that place exist? Do you ever get any relief? Is there anyone you can talk to that isn’t going to judge you because of your situation or give you a laundry list of things that”you must do to keep yourself together and be there for the patient because they come first”?. Or the constant having to walk around eggshells because you don’t want to burden anyone with your own feelings of anger and betrayal because the world has just fucked you over and there’s not a fucking thing you can do or say to change that. How do you handle the sense of betrayal you feel just when you think you have your crap together and everything is going well, and then BAM!!!, now your husband is a completely different person, your intimacy is gone, and so is your sense of security. Yes I’m bitter!!! We were happy!!!Somebody tell me… WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO??? …What do you do when Superman is sick or when Iron Man dies?… Who makes your world safe then?…